The Best Festivus Ever
by Wario the TableMan
Summary: Jerry kicks it into overdrive this holiday season


George wept with manly passion as the last drops of Bosco fell upon the altar. He tore his shirt asunder in rage and loaded his wallet with deadly ammunition.

"George, if you keep this up, you're only gonna regret it in the long run!" cried Kramer, reaching up to the sun and extracting its rays, adding them to his bloodstream through the essence of a long-forgotten technique. "Giddyap!"

Jerry sat on his sofa, taking a call from his parents. He was sweating profusely while trying to explain George and Kramer's godlike ascension. "No, Mom! I said they're just gaining power from the ethereal expansion. No! Not like Uncle Leo did on Titan!" He slammed the phone down on the receiver. "Dartmouth…"

George revved up his muscles like a majestic stallion. He grew a golden mullet and reinforced his abs with the power of glory. "You may now refer to me as Art Vandelay!"

"Nay!" cried Kramer as he dove his pulsating bicep into Jerry's refrigerator and extracted the power of chaos: Superman's Cereal.

"No! No! No!" screamed Jerry, feeling desperate to maintain order. Alas, Kramer was growing far too powerful to contain within his holy domain.

"I've got a lot of problems with you people!" roared George, charging the BoscoRosco-Ha.

"Don't try it, George! Remember your mantra!" cried Jerry. He quickly ran and hid in the bathroom.

"SERENITY NOW!" shrieked George as he blasted his ki wave at Kramer. Kramer batted away the attack with barely any effort. George gasped at the sight of his comrade's unreal prowess. "Or am I just weak?"

"You are weak!" shouted Kramer. He reached into his pocket and took out a laser pistol. He blasted George into the next century. "Merry Festivus, scumbag!"

"I'll be back, Kramer! You can't keep a Costanza down!" George called as he was sucked into the temporal vortex.

Jerry was hiding by his sink, brushing his teeth in intense fits of rage. His enamel was so white and pure, like his comedian heart. "I gotta save George!" he said. Then he accidentally dropped his toothbrush in the toilet. He wept.

Kramer knocked on the door and asked if Jerry had any spare Junior Mints.

Jerry looked down at his crystal ball. He grasped it tightly in his right hand, allowing the blue, sizzling energy to enter his core through the gateways stemming from his palm. Jerry's muscles got beefier and more godlike.

"Jerry, don't make me knock down this door! I know you can't afford it!" said Kramer, readying his Falcon Punch.

Just then, Jerry opened the door and showed off his righteous six-pack to the whole world.

"Holy cow, Jerry! Those killer abs make you look just like a cowboy!" said Kramer in surprise.

Jerry winced at the comment and fired up his fighting spirit. "I don't wanna be a cowboy!" Jerry rushed forth and clasped Kramer between his abs and crushed him into oblivion.

"Not bad…" snickered a devilish voice from beyond the firmament.

Jerry gritted his teeth. "I know the chunky that left these chunkies…" He sprouted luscious angel wings and bolted through the ceiling. Jerry rose above earth itself and bared his deadly musculature to the entire planet's population like a brilliant array of perfection.

"Hello Jerry," said a smug round man, wielding a deadly serrated scythe. He emitted heinous green smoke from his devious fangs and reflected the shining stars upon his malevolent lenses.

"Hello Newman…" muttered Jerry, growing two more pairs of wings, each individual now baring a heavy-duty rocket launcher. Jerry pulled a sick rifle the size of a city bus out from between his abs and aimed at his rotund foe. He fired with everything in his arsenal… but to no avail.

"Such a pity, Jerry! I thought someone of the noble Seinfeld bloodline would have at least given me a run for my money!" Newman giggled as he dashed forth and slashed at Jerry with his dastardly weapon. "Your day of reckoning is coming!"

Jerry got hit hard, his blood burst out from the millions of miniscule wounds Newman was creating with each slash of his supersonic blade. Altogether, the pain was nigh unbearable. "Am I going to die here?" he called out to the heavens, holding back his tears of imminent hopelessness.

"You can do it, Jerry," said a cool, relaxed voice from above. Jerry looked up and saw the main man himself: David Puddy

"I can do it!" cried Jerry, believing in Puddy's glorious essence and allowing his spirit to enter his body and soul. He drew back and charged all of his guns at the same time. He then fired away and blew Newman to the next dimension.

"OH, THE HUMANITY!" roared Newman as his very being was torn to shreds amid the collisions of millions of multiverses at once. The beast was at last no more.

"I have slain that chunky beast!" said Jerry triumphantly.

"Oh, so you think you're better than me," said a voice from behind Jerry.

Jerry turned around and gasped at the sight of his newest foe: Izzy Mandelbaum.

**FIN**


End file.
